I’ve been in some kind of transformational work or another for over 10 years. The first time I ever meditated was in the middle of a long weekend course called Inner Knowing. After a day full of gestalts and psychodramas, we were exhausted and lead through a guided meditation called the dolphin breathe. During the meditation, we were lead to the bottom of the ocean and were told to take a question with us there in the hopes that the answer would be revealed. I actually can’t recall the question I brought to the ocean, but I will never forget what I heard as clear as day as I was coming up from the water. A voice said, “You will have a daughter. You will name her Grace. You will call her Gracie.”
For the months and years following I not only felt the spirit of Grace following me around, but I would also see the word Grace everywhere. I remember relaying the story of the dolphin breathe to a friend on a road trip. As I was telling her about it, we passed Grace Street. I couldn’t believe it, so I had her turn around to confirm. Sure enough there it was. There were T-shirts, churches, flyers, people, places and things all echoing the word Grace. At the time I was in a partnership with someone who clearly never wanted kids. This was one of the factors of why we split up. I was certain that Grace was coming.
Flash forward to November 5, 2018, my 36th birthday. I found myself full of so much gratitude for the life I had. I married an incredible man, I created an amazing business that’s making an impact, I have amazing friends, family, community, and support. I remember feeling so clearly that day that I had managed to achieve a lifetime’s worth in just 36 years. Whatever my fate was at birth I was convinced it was made manifest and anything else moving forward was just icing on the cake. I had everything, but no Grace.
What’s so interesting is that on that day I knew in my core that I didn’t want a child. For the last couple of years, I had been fighting between my belief and knowing of my Grace experience and the dissonance of today where she wasn’t even missed. How could something that felt so true, so needed, so sure evaporate into nothing?
Today is about 6 months after my 36th birthday and I once again found myself in meditation like I do most mornings. I was chanting the 25th Pauri which is called Bahota Karam. This meditation took me to another place and once there I asked: How come something I thought was a sure path for me, now seems so far out of the realm of the life I want? I heard the answer loud and clear, “You rewrote your fate into destiny.” Then I was shown all of the pivotal points in a montage of experiences that lead me to a different path.
It’s as if the life with Grace was the fated path laid before me, but the transformational work I’ve been doing -- specifically with Kundalini yoga through the programs at RA MA -- put me on a path to rewrite fate and change my destiny. That’s why on my 36th birthday my life felt complete. I really do think I achieved the amount of love, success, status, whatever I was fated to have in this lifetime. But this work accelerated my trajectory and now I have at least 50 more years to fill up with a new destiny that’s unknown.
I also would be remiss not to mention that the programs that helped me jump onto my new destiny were called Immense Grace and the Graces. Touché, Universe. Touché.
“Between man and God, there are two paths: The path of fate and the path of destiny. Those who will give distance to their destiny shall fall into the path of fate. When you walk on the path of fate, you may feel very happy and be an egomaniac, but when the fatal moment comes – you will be lost again. When you walk on the path of destiny, it doesn’t matter what distance you cover. When the fatal blow of death comes, you shall be liberated. That is the difference.” - Yogi Bhajan
Photo by: Kate Heck